How To Survive New Trier
From Northfield to Winnetka,
The Glen View and CoCo,
Wilmette, and here,
Here’s a couple things you should know
To survive New Trier.
If it’s 8:16
And you’re still not in school,
Pretend to run to the door
Because some Narks are cool.
But if it’s Friday
And you forgot the food,
Then don’t even bother;
We’re not in the mood.
If you remembered the bagels,
But forgot the cream cheese,
Ya better text your mom quick
And speak in abbrevs.
Do your homework in advisory,
Wear your blue and green gear,
But only if you want
To survive New Trier.
Beware of the scrounge.
A bake sale will raise money on the side.
If ya need a cause,
Just pick some genocide.
Go to Homecoming, Turnabout, and Prom
Because you love to dance.
Make sure you know your date
Two months in advance.
Go to football games,
And basketball’s fun to cheer;
But only if you want
To survive New Trier.
Wear jeans, wear Ugz;
Look chic and nice.
But God forbid in one week
You wear the same thing twice.
Straighten your hair,
Chew gum like a cow.
Never pick up a shovel,
Just wait for the plow.
If shorty got low,
Then you should too.
Bring sexy back
With all that sweet J. Crew.
Learn to whine to teachers
To get that homework extension.
Be late to class,
If they never give detentions.
But if the advisor chair asks,
Make sure your eyes are clear.
But only if you want
To survive New Trier.
Take a few APs;
Score at least a 3,
But most importantly,
Brag and overachieve.
Go to a well-known college
That’s known to party.
But don’t go too far from home,
So your parents can still do your laundry.
Dream of becoming richer
Than your parents.
Take lots of pictures
To make your awesome life
even more apparent.
Ya gotta get a Facebook
And at least 500 friends.
Check it every day,
Until your life ends.
Know your life story
And future career.
But only if you want
To survive New Trier.
Forge a signature
To go on excursions.
Copy your friend’s homework,
Turn in a slightly different version.
Fall in love.
And hook-up if he’s hot.
But if it gets awkward,
Just try some pot.
But not too much,
Or else you’ll end up in the scrounge.
And if you’ve been paying attention,
That’s out of bounds.
Start some rumors.
Pretend your life’s The O.C.
And freak out when your favorite show
Overlaps with Gray’s Anatomy.
Go to rich kid parties
And drink cheap beer.
But only if you want
To survive New Trier.
Get a fake I.D.
And make lots of friends.
But don’t forget the old ones,
You might need ‘em in the end.
Make a few enemies,
Give ‘em the awkward eye
Because they’re “gay” and “r*tarded”
And being politically correct should “die”.
Talk a lot, laugh a lot;
Never hear a word you won’t tell.
And if it’s passing period,
Avoid the P-Stairwell.
Hate the sophomores;
Fuck their date—
But only if you’re in the class
Of 2008!
Be one with the world,
But totally different than your peers.
But only if you want
To survive New Trier.